I know I'm tired when I'm no longer hearing the words. That's a slight...that's not a perfect description. Because when I say "hearing", it's not like--most of the time--I'm literally hearing them. There are times, with Erra, that I read it aloud; but those are discrete and specific. But there's a shape and a cadence that has the same physicality as sound that they bloom into as I read them, and work with them, usually. Till I'm tired, and the words get much farther away.
To be super-honest -- I can write you some stuff if I'm tired and not 'hearing' the 'words'; to be super-honest I bet I can write you some great stuff, like that. But for Erra, great--whatever that means to my very-limited capacities, in this moment--is not good enough. If I'm not close to the words then I'm just going to have to throw them all out and redo them. Which is probably part of why the stupid thing takes so long; this moment of mental fatigue doesn't come at the same point every day, but it's a bad day if it comes before say 4-5 hours of 'real' writing (and so I have to divert to other, not-so-real stuff) and a great day if it comes after 7 or 8. It's really, really rare--no matter how smartly I try to break things up, or refresh myself with food and workouts, and believe me I've tried all sorts of stuff...yeah. I think I cap at about 7ish hours, for this kind of totally engaged hyperfocus. It's like true muscle fatigue: not when you tap out or stop trying quite so hard, cuz you're muscles are hurting. When your muscles just stop, they just can't anymore. I "tap out" sometimes too, of course; I don't mean I'm some super-stoic everyday working right up to the brink of ability. But I often do, and I often feel this point where it's like...yeah, no. nope. I'm toast.
And then there's nothing to do but wait, rest, eat. Tomorrow.
To be super-honest -- I can write you some stuff if I'm tired and not 'hearing' the 'words'; to be super-honest I bet I can write you some great stuff, like that. But for Erra, great--whatever that means to my very-limited capacities, in this moment--is not good enough. If I'm not close to the words then I'm just going to have to throw them all out and redo them. Which is probably part of why the stupid thing takes so long; this moment of mental fatigue doesn't come at the same point every day, but it's a bad day if it comes before say 4-5 hours of 'real' writing (and so I have to divert to other, not-so-real stuff) and a great day if it comes after 7 or 8. It's really, really rare--no matter how smartly I try to break things up, or refresh myself with food and workouts, and believe me I've tried all sorts of stuff...yeah. I think I cap at about 7ish hours, for this kind of totally engaged hyperfocus. It's like true muscle fatigue: not when you tap out or stop trying quite so hard, cuz you're muscles are hurting. When your muscles just stop, they just can't anymore. I "tap out" sometimes too, of course; I don't mean I'm some super-stoic everyday working right up to the brink of ability. But I often do, and I often feel this point where it's like...yeah, no. nope. I'm toast.
And then there's nothing to do but wait, rest, eat. Tomorrow.