your instincts are good -- how you throw it all in
you're "throwing" smart stuff in
buuuut then it's overwritten, right? it's a big packed mess
but those "first thought best thought" pieces may indeed be the best pieces
say there are 4 of the in your first three sentences
her eyes flicker
she rubs the back of her hand with her wrist
she snuffles
blink, blink, focusing
they're your arrows
just you've stupidly, unrevisedly, shot them all out the gate
(we're deliberating sidestepping another ready metaphor here, because this blog is not a craven adolescent cesspool, thank u vry much)
but they're good thoughts!
don't HOLD ON to any
take 'em out, they are gone
buuuuuuuuut -- keep in workpad
work 'em in as you go
of course you'll have to change syllable count and perhaps swap synonyms for vowel sound or syllabic emphasis
but i don't need to tell you that, at this point
you're "throwing" smart stuff in
buuuut then it's overwritten, right? it's a big packed mess
but those "first thought best thought" pieces may indeed be the best pieces
say there are 4 of the in your first three sentences
her eyes flicker
she rubs the back of her hand with her wrist
she snuffles
blink, blink, focusing
they're your arrows
just you've stupidly, unrevisedly, shot them all out the gate
(we're deliberating sidestepping another ready metaphor here, because this blog is not a craven adolescent cesspool, thank u vry much)
but they're good thoughts!
don't HOLD ON to any
take 'em out, they are gone
buuuuuuuuut -- keep in workpad
work 'em in as you go
of course you'll have to change syllable count and perhaps swap synonyms for vowel sound or syllabic emphasis
but i don't need to tell you that, at this point