emmy and hands
writing
'finding it'
cliche of the writer
divination; the gods
but it's...sad part:
correct! slimbuttons has [observed this] (link to that one other post); he is right in this
circling perorations, iterations, loops and reverals
it knows
here's a basic thing about this: you have to believe you are not in fact broken. this will come out very differently, for different people.
(1) some won't believe it, and will persevere regardless. your humble scribe has such a deep well of empathy for creators who live inside this predicament that it makes his stomach churn; because he sometimes, often, feels this way himself. that he is in fact broken. that something is Wrong. and--side note--believing or not believing this may not in fact be that relevant to the quality of the work you produce, unless of course the weight of it makes you stop producing. meaning: if any of us wanted to, we could produce an arbitrarily long list of creators (of all things) throughout history who, either because of their art had an emiserated and self-hating view of themselves, or perhaps did art because they had a &c. -- we'll never know, but either way the point remains that we have a long list of very unhappy humans doing fantastic art (which of course leads to preposterous, 10th-grade theories that IN YOUR HUMBLE SCRIBE'S VIEW catastrophically and melodramatically misreads the much more nuanced and interesting relationship between 'suffering' and 'art); anyway tl;dr -- this first point is that [[some people 'deal with this' by not getting to deal with it -- by living with the weight, or more of it, etc.]]
But, your humble scribe is extraordinarily fortunate in that [two reasons he doesn't have to]
1- what was the first? he forgets the frist. there were two. really!
when you present as a certain gender, according to norms; when you are a certain race, as we script racial identity; when you act and appear in a certain way; when you can present certain institutional credentials that somehow ratify your viability as a person who does things with thought; when you speak in a certain way...people tend to at least act like they are giving you the benefit of the doubt. the world sort of...you may be implicitly inundated with reminders of your own sorry failures, but those are from you, really -- reading the world. what the world explicitly gives you--meaning how people treat you--is generally positive. now, it's true, that when you are a certain gender and race and etc. etc. people also may categorize you as another privileged one of those, etc. which is, um, completely fair. because you are.
anyone who lives inside this shape of identity, as your humble scribe does, who...well, who frankly seems to feel that the "tradeoffs" inherent in their particular identity do not break enormously, momentously, overwhelmingly and continuously in their favor, who seems to think that there is some kind of abstract way that being identified as a member of a privileged demographic annuls or substantially diminishes the privilege they enjoy...your scribe will be blunt: they are mentally weak, lacking either in character or mental rigor.
the point here is not to pretend that your humble scribe is able, in his particular case, to uncouple the exorbitant privilege inside which he resides (a thing that is not his fault, but probably not a good and fair thing, qua the world) and his ability to pursue a Quixotic, internally-motivated (rather, channeled by the gods), multi-year creative project to...create something perfect (which is, while obviously a complex proposition, a good thing -- if only because sometimes when people make this choice, pursuing such goals, we as a collective culture get masterpieces). In his case, he cannot split one from the other.
this is a weird digression, perhaps, but it stays for a reason -- operating within the confines of a market economy, and a series of status-oriented social scripts built around that...it IS hard, to do a thing like this. and it must be acknowledged, if we are examining the process and ins and outs of giving yourself unto that, what supports and benefits each particular case (this particular case being: your humble scribe) is subject to.
really tl;dr -- he is very, very lucky.
2- this is a little more pat-on-the-back; and perhaps also a little more actionable, since "be a member of a preposterously privileged racial/gender/social demographic" is not per se 'advice' (and when did advice become our aim, Reader? never. it's not. but if you're writing something it's presumably to share it with someone, so: yes.). doing things to verify non-broken-ness. this is very important. other related projects. things with writing; preferably with a bit of creating.
writing
'finding it'
cliche of the writer
divination; the gods
but it's...sad part:
correct! slimbuttons has [observed this] (link to that one other post); he is right in this
circling perorations, iterations, loops and reverals
it knows
here's a basic thing about this: you have to believe you are not in fact broken. this will come out very differently, for different people.
(1) some won't believe it, and will persevere regardless. your humble scribe has such a deep well of empathy for creators who live inside this predicament that it makes his stomach churn; because he sometimes, often, feels this way himself. that he is in fact broken. that something is Wrong. and--side note--believing or not believing this may not in fact be that relevant to the quality of the work you produce, unless of course the weight of it makes you stop producing. meaning: if any of us wanted to, we could produce an arbitrarily long list of creators (of all things) throughout history who, either because of their art had an emiserated and self-hating view of themselves, or perhaps did art because they had a &c. -- we'll never know, but either way the point remains that we have a long list of very unhappy humans doing fantastic art (which of course leads to preposterous, 10th-grade theories that IN YOUR HUMBLE SCRIBE'S VIEW catastrophically and melodramatically misreads the much more nuanced and interesting relationship between 'suffering' and 'art); anyway tl;dr -- this first point is that [[some people 'deal with this' by not getting to deal with it -- by living with the weight, or more of it, etc.]]
But, your humble scribe is extraordinarily fortunate in that [two reasons he doesn't have to]
1- what was the first? he forgets the frist. there were two. really!
when you present as a certain gender, according to norms; when you are a certain race, as we script racial identity; when you act and appear in a certain way; when you can present certain institutional credentials that somehow ratify your viability as a person who does things with thought; when you speak in a certain way...people tend to at least act like they are giving you the benefit of the doubt. the world sort of...you may be implicitly inundated with reminders of your own sorry failures, but those are from you, really -- reading the world. what the world explicitly gives you--meaning how people treat you--is generally positive. now, it's true, that when you are a certain gender and race and etc. etc. people also may categorize you as another privileged one of those, etc. which is, um, completely fair. because you are.
anyone who lives inside this shape of identity, as your humble scribe does, who...well, who frankly seems to feel that the "tradeoffs" inherent in their particular identity do not break enormously, momentously, overwhelmingly and continuously in their favor, who seems to think that there is some kind of abstract way that being identified as a member of a privileged demographic annuls or substantially diminishes the privilege they enjoy...your scribe will be blunt: they are mentally weak, lacking either in character or mental rigor.
the point here is not to pretend that your humble scribe is able, in his particular case, to uncouple the exorbitant privilege inside which he resides (a thing that is not his fault, but probably not a good and fair thing, qua the world) and his ability to pursue a Quixotic, internally-motivated (rather, channeled by the gods), multi-year creative project to...create something perfect (which is, while obviously a complex proposition, a good thing -- if only because sometimes when people make this choice, pursuing such goals, we as a collective culture get masterpieces). In his case, he cannot split one from the other.
this is a weird digression, perhaps, but it stays for a reason -- operating within the confines of a market economy, and a series of status-oriented social scripts built around that...it IS hard, to do a thing like this. and it must be acknowledged, if we are examining the process and ins and outs of giving yourself unto that, what supports and benefits each particular case (this particular case being: your humble scribe) is subject to.
really tl;dr -- he is very, very lucky.
2- this is a little more pat-on-the-back; and perhaps also a little more actionable, since "be a member of a preposterously privileged racial/gender/social demographic" is not per se 'advice' (and when did advice become our aim, Reader? never. it's not. but if you're writing something it's presumably to share it with someone, so: yes.). doing things to verify non-broken-ness. this is very important. other related projects. things with writing; preferably with a bit of creating.